Table of contents:

1. What is sexual abuse? Does intercourse have to take place to talk about abuse?
2. Worrying behaviour indicating that a child may have been a victim of abuse
3. Stages of sexuality - which behaviours are normal and which should start to worry?
4. The role of therapy - when is it appropriate to ask for help from a professional?

The issue of child sexuality is an extremely important and sensitive topic, for which a number of publications and theories continue to emerge. However, the fact remains without doubt that all events and even seemingly small things leave a mark on the forming, malleable young psyche and it is the role of adults to ensure that its development takes place in the healthiest way possible.

We live in a time when sex has been heavily commercialised and, although the scenes of intercourse itself are often censored, or at least do not appear on television around the clock, allusions appear almost everywhere - on billboards, in newspapers, on the Internet, and children still have their eyes open and understand a lot. How, then, can you tell if what is happening to a child is simply an interest in his or her own body and pleasure, perhaps only reinforced by external stimuli, and which might suggest that the child has become a victim of abuse?

What is sexual abuse? Does intercourse have to occur to talk about abuse?

It is worth taking a closer look at the term sexual abuse itself. Broadly speaking, it is a type of sexual contact to which one party does not consent and can be perpetrated by either a woman or a man of any age. Abuse can range from calling the partner derogatory names to refusing contraception, intentionally inflicting pain during sexual activities, knowingly infecting the partner with a sexually transmitted disease or using objects that the partner does not consent to. In the case of children, sexual abuse is understood to mean any action with a child, initiated by a person who is at a higher level of development and has superiority over the child - an adult or even an older child - with the aim of sexual gratification.

By this type of 'contact' we can mean a range of behaviours, both tactile and 'non-tactile', involving other senses.
We can list the following behaviours among them, but this is not a closed list.

We can include 'non-touch' abuse:

• deliberate exposure of genitalia by adults in the presence of children;
• photographing children in sexual poses;
• inappropriate voyeurism of children not dressed or using the bathroom;
• soliciting children to watch or listen to sexual acts;
• intentionally engaging in sexual activity in the presence of a child;
• showing child pornography or using children to create pornography;

"Touching" includes:

• stimulation of children's genitals by an adult for the purpose of sexual pleasure;
• forcing children to touch adult genitalia;
• sexual touching of parts of the body, not just the genitals, exposed or clothed;
• penetrative sex, including oral penetration;
• encouraging children to engage in sexual activities, including masturbation;
• soliciting children for prostitution.

Concerned behaviours indicating that a child may have been a victim of abuse

Signs of abuse are not always obvious, but the sooner strong steps are taken to counteract any abuse, the better the chance of healing the trauma. Of course, one particular sign does not automatically have to mean sexual abuse, it should be approached very comprehensively, with a large dose of consideration and empathy.

Look closely and pay attention when a child is sending the following signals:

• a noticeable fear of a certain person or place for no apparent reason, or of being alone with a certain child or young person;
• fear of a physical examination at the doctor's;
• drawings of sexual acts;
• acting out sexual acts with toys;
• sudden withdrawal, confinement, secrecy;
• money and toys from an unknown source;
• drastic change in eating habits, including refusal to eat, drastic increase or disappearance of appetite, swallowing problems;
• self-harm;
• physical signs - bruising around the intimate areas or mouth, bleeding or even infection with sexually transmitted diseases;
• reluctance, fear of dressing in the company of others and participating in physical activities, or refusal to remove clothes at appropriate times (e.g. when bathing, before going to bed);
• escapes from home;
• sudden change in behaviour, night-time wetting, loss of control over physiological activities;
• unexpected use of new, 'adult', sometimes slang words for genitalia;
• sudden awareness of own sexuality and knowledge of sexual acts;
• urging other children to perform / pretend to perform sexual acts.

Some of the symptoms mentioned above may have reasons other than sexual abuse, e.g. severe stress caused by divorce in the family, death of a family member or favourite pet, problems at school or with peers. Nevertheless, they still remain a sign for which adults should increase the level of observation over the child and possibly seek professional help.

Stages of sexuality - which behaviours are normal and which should start to worry?

Naturally, at different developmental stages, children discover their own sexuality and their awareness changes and develops in a way that is individual to each, but there are nevertheless certain complexes of behaviour that are typical for a certain age. Sometimes the exploration of sexual knowledge will take place in a larger group of children and the boundary between the distinction between simple interest and signs of abuse may become thin or shifting and blurred. Here it is worth adding that, for example, when a child exhibits a certain disability, his or her subsequent developmental stages proceed at a different pace from those of children considered 'healthy'. Nevertheless, it is possible to identify certain behaviours that are typical and those that we should consider worrying. To summarise:

Children up to the age of five can:

• use childish, "sexual" language to name intimate organs;
• ask where children come from;
• touch or rub genitals;
• show and look at private body parts.

Disturbing signals:

• talk about sexual acts or use sexually explicit language;
• have physical, sexual contact with other children;
• show knowledgeable, adult-like sexual behaviour.

School-age children (6-12) may:

• ask questions about menstruation, pregnancy, sexual behaviour;
• experiment with other children, especially during games - exploring the roles of parents, doctors, nurses, touching, kissing;
• masturbate in secret.

Disturbing signals:

• masturbate in public;
• show adult sexual behaviour and knowledge.

Teenagers may:

• ask about relationships and sex;
• use sexual, adult language when talking to each other;
• masturbate secretly;
• experiment sexually with people of a similar age.

Disturbing signals:

• masturbate in public;
• have sexual relations with children or much older adults.

The role of therapy - when is it appropriate to ask for help from a professional?

Any non-physical abuse perpetrated on a child leaves scars on the psyche and the sooner the cycle of abuse is broken and counteracted, the better the chance of healing and healthy functioning. Sexual abuse and talking about it has the added difficulty that a layer of guilt and shame has been put on it, moreover, as mentioned above, this category of abuse does not necessarily have a corporeal translation, which in a sense is easier to verify. While stories about paedophiles portrayed in the media often seem frightening and the perpetrators give the impression of degenerates who are 'not among us', it is important to realise that they are most often trusted people close to the child. At the same time, it is important to remember that both girls and boys can be victims; moreover, the social stigma means that crimes and abuse perpetrated against boys are less often recorded.

How to recognise that a child has been a victim of sexual abuse, photo: shutterstock

Apart from the psychological aspect, related to deep wounds in the psyche, sexual abuse leaves deep emotional wounds. Children are racked by feelings of shame and guilt, they think they are responsible for the abuse committed by those stronger than them, that they are the ones who provoked it. They may feel disgusted with themselves and go through sexual problems in adulthood, including the inability to have a healthy relationship. This can include the two extremes of both unhealthy, destructive promiscuity and complete sexual inability. Children are afraid to talk about being a victim of abuse because they fear that others will not believe them, will be angry or will split the family with their negative experiences. Paradoxically, this is why you should NEVER underestimate the fact that a child has told us about sexual abuse. If he or she has been able to break through his or her barrier of shame and fear, it should be taken seriously and not looked away from the problem.

Discovering and admitting that a child has been a victim of sexual abuse is also an extremely difficult experience for a parent. Disbelief, shock and anger are natural reactions at the time, but if you do not react early enough and take concrete countermeasures, the consequences can be disastrous for the whole family. It is worth seeing a specialist immediately, as reacting as early as possible can not only protect against further actions, but also help the child to deal with the trauma earlier or even prevent other children being abused by the same person. It is also worth realising that you are not alone in this situation, and that denial and not allowing oneself to think that "this problem concerns my child" can only prolong the occurrence of the problem instead of contributing to its solution.