Depending on the relationship model adopted by the parents, a child can develop according to his or her best potential or get stuck in rigid patterns that cause many adaptation difficulties in his or her later life. Treating the toddler as an integral person - not only thinking but also feeling - requires caregivers to be attentive and mature, but translates into healthy child development.
Table of contents:
- The I-To relationship
- The I-Thou relationship
- The need for integrated intellectual, emotional and bodily development
Martin Buber, a prominent philosopher of Jewish origin and author of groundbreaking works on education, distinguished two patterns of relationship building in the mid-20th century :
- I-Thou,
- I-To.
In both my therapeutic work and personal experience, I have repeatedly been amazed at how aptly and currently Buber's concept illustrates the processes between parents and children. The relationship-building patterns in place in the family have an enormous impact on the child and his or her future development. Their influence is strong to the extent that we very often unconsciously reproduce them from generation to generation.
The I-To relationship
Is an object-oriented way of treating the child. The parent concentrates on fulfilling his or her own educational goals and objectives, with little regard for the child's individuality. He or she treats the child from above, assuming that he or she knows what is best for the child and how the child should be prepared to function in the world. This usually leads to a rational and task-oriented treatment of the child. After all, the child is supposed to be someone special in the future, so they need to be prepared for that. The child's emotional and bodily area is then usually left to the margins. This very common approach to relationships develops many rigid patterns of functioning in the child. It then thinks: "It doesn't matter what I feel or experience in my body. I have to be polite, kind, courteous, learn well, be like others, not cause trouble, not cry...'. By following these patterns, the child tries to earn love, acceptance and appreciation from the demanding parent.
The I-Thou relationship
Is a subjective way of being in relationship with the child. The empathic and attentive parent recognises the individuality of the child. He or she has the readiness to understand him or her as he or she is and as he or she presents himself or herself. On the other hand, he or she brackets all beliefs about who he or she should be and how to function. This does not mean getting rid of the parental identity. The aim of this model of parenting is for the child to become who he or she really is, not who they are not. In order for a toddler to develop properly, i.e. according to his potential, he needs an adequate parent with whom he can share his personal world of ideas, thoughts, feelings, desires and aspirations at every stage of development. He also needs, in his relationship with his caregivers, acceptance and a safe space to express himself openly. In this way, he develops trust in himself, his parents and the world around him.
The need for integrated intellectual, emotional and bodily development
According to the Gestalt concept - one of the most popular contemporary psychological-philosophical currents - the proper development of the child is dependent on the parents' involvement in a subjective relationship with the child, satisfying the child's emotional, physical and cognitive needs. I very often encounter the situation that in the process of upbringing and education, the physical-physical and emotional sphere of the child is neglected. The child's intellectual and cognitive development takes precedence. This is accompanied by the belief that this sphere is the most important of all, as the future success of the offspring depends on it. As a result, carers are surprised when their child at some stage of development does not behave in accordance with accepted norms or has other types of adaptation problems, e.g. is hyperactive, aggressive, does not manage his/her emotions, constantly comes into conflict with peers or, conversely, is rigid, fearful, withdrawn and insecure. However, this is then only the tip of the iceberg. Beneath the surface are the child's repressed experiences of loneliness, lack of support, lack of understanding, frustration at the demands they cannot cope with.
According to Gestalt's approach, physically and emotionally restricting or blocking the child threatens the child's integrated development:
- intellectual
- emotional
- bodily.
Such a child will sooner or later unconsciously try by various means to return to the original path of integrated development. Usually the lack of integration manifests itself in rebellion or withdrawal and adaptation to the demands of the environment. Rebellion manifests itself mainly in aggressive behaviour towards oneself and one's environment, breaking social norms and rules, or avoiding close contact. Withdrawal, on the other hand, manifests itself in the fact that the child does not cause trouble and it is very difficult to find out what is really going on in his or her world. Other ways - messages addressed to the world are not known by the child. These are therefore clear indications that the toddler's needs - for example, cognitive, emotional, physical or mental - have gone unmet. As adults, we often focus in such situations on the child's behaviour and 'fixing' it. We wonder how to appeal to our child to stop behaving in this way. This kind of thinking shows how far removed we are from our own child, the actual situation he or she is in and the resulting needs. The parent is on one side of the river and the child on the other. If you want to cross to the other side to meet your own child in his or her world, supply yourself with time and attention. You will not have to wait long for the results.
It is worth knowing that the human being is born as a fully functioning, integrated organism consisting of senses, body, emotions and intellect.
Neuroscience research confirms that healthy functioning depends on the coordination of multiple areas. Cognition, perception, memory, thinking and problem-solving are inseparable from affect, emotion and intention, which are also experienced in the body. In order for a child to develop according to his or her own unique plan, it is necessary to involve all of the above-mentioned spheres. This is not possible without the support of conscious parents. If the parents themselves are not consciously in touch with their own emotionality and body, their life is lived mainly on the level of the intellect, they avoid experiencing feelings e.g. sadness, fear, anger and treat their own bodies in an object-like, mechanical way, then they will not be able to support the integral development of their own child. They will simply not be able to understand the child and their development process.
Building a relationship with your child, photo.shutterstock
What should we do if we anxiously find in ourselves many of the characteristics of an internally non-integrated parent? We now live in an age where psychotherapy and personal development workshops are available. These are very concrete tools for learning to be consciously in touch with one's own body and emotions. Many times in the therapist's office I have witnessed situations in which parents who undertake work on themselves after some time experience changes not only in themselves but also in the behaviour of their own children. This is no magic. Children are simply a reflection of their own parents. What the parent works on in therapy also helps the children, because the parents' awareness and approach to different areas of life changes. This makes the relationship between parent and child deeper. In addition, the child, drawing on the parent's awareness, starts to find its way more easily into the world of its own thoughts, feelings and bodily processes.
